There comes a time in a woman’s life when she wants to have some romance, but she doesn’t want a relationship and she doesn’t want to drag out the connection. This can be accomplished in a number of ways. She can turn to a “friend with benefits”, she can chat up an actual friend she has had her eye on, or she can go to the internet and land a date.   Often times these strategies can go horribly wrong. Your friend with benefits wants to become more than friends. Your actual friend gives you the cold shoulder. Your internet companion flakes on you before you even have a chance to meet up. However, every now and again the stars align and the perfect opportunity for a one-off date presents itself. Ladies, please take this opportunity.

Viv: I had the perfect one-off date last week with Steve. You may recall that I went out with him a while back and we discussed our ethnic ambiguity over a few drinks. Well, after a couple weeks of sporgulating (he is not a prompt texter) I managed to get him out again on a quiet Wednesday night in the neighborhood. He was aware that my time in town was limited, and after some mild chit chat about race and pornography he asked me why I wanted to spend some of my precious last moments in town with him. I wasn’t expecting this question and so I hemmed and hawed a bit and said that I just liked meeting new people and that this kind of behavior wasn’t unusual for me. After a bit more thought I added that I was having pretty emotional goodbyes with my friends, and that it was a pleasant diversion to be out with someone I didn’t know well. In sum, I could have fun with him without crying and enjoy the city I love so much. He let it go after that.

After a couple drinks he asked if I wanted to go for a walk, and while crossing the street a few blocks later he asked me if I wanted to go have a beer at his house nearby.   We both knew what this meant.   He added that I didn’t have to come home with him if I didn’t want to, and I replied that I was aware of that, but I wanted to go anyway. So we went to his place.

And here the date took an unexpected turn to the romantic. Steve’s house is not your usual bachelor pad full of random furniture, dirty dishes, and big screen TVs. It was a beautiful home with lots of comfortable and amusing features as though it had been decorated by a precocious middle aged Italian lady. A few of his roommates were home and they were in the mood to hang out, so we had a few beers on his large back patio. It was odd enough to actually hang out with real people in a relative stranger’s home (as opposed to making an immediate retreat to the bedroom), but odder still, Steve brought out guitars, and he serenaded us with his favorite songs from our 90’s youth. He doesn’t have a great singing voice, but this didn’t stop him. He was genuinely charming. It didn’t feel like a show for my benefit. It felt like a sincere moment of shared enthusiasm amongst friends. We all laughed.

After his roommates went to bed a few hours later we made out in the kitchen. He was a warm kisser. Then he showed me his room, and then we had sex. It was short and sweet and comfortable. I realized I didn’t want to stay the night and wake up with him at 6am (when he had to be up for an early meeting), so I told him I liked him, gave him a few kisses, and hopped in a cab. I smiled all the way home and texted him goodnight.

Sloan: Three years ago, I met up with this British advertising guy, let’s call him Jack, after we messaged back and forth a few times on OKCupid. He was incredibly funny and smart and handsome. We hung out at one of those places in NYC that don’t have a sign on the door and you have to know about it to even notice it’s there. For the whole night, Jack kept me laughing. Our conversation ranged from what stand-up comedians were our faves to how most ads are just god awful to his sneaker obsession to our worst first-date stories. By the end of the night, it felt like we had known each other for years and were good friends, even though we had only met a few hours earlier.

When we left the bar, neither one of us wanted to go home yet, so we went to a pizza place. At some point, over our pepperoni and veggie slices, he boldly said that he wanted to take me home, but that he had friends visiting from Italy and flopping on his couch. We had a short conversation about where we were both at in terms of relationships (neither of us wanted anything serious) and what we wanted (good conversation and good sex).

I took him home and we had some of the hottest sex I’ve ever had in my entire life. I’m serious about this. Because we connected so well, we both relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. There was no awkwardness or self-consciousness – just pure pleasure. He slept over and we had morning sex, which, as a side note, I’m not usually that into, but for this guy I made an exception. (I’m tempted to describe the sex because it still stands out in my mind, but I won’t because that’s not the type of blog this is….but suffice it to say, Jack was what my friends and I used to call “sex on a stick”.)

When he left, I remember thinking: “I’m probably never going to see this guy again.” And while I was mostly OK with that, I did feel a little bummed out. The sex was too good not to want a second experience. But it was clear that Jack and I had just had the perfect one-off date, so I wasn’t surprised when he sent me a cute thank you text and then I didn’t hear from him again.

Analysis:

Why are occasional one-off dates a good thing for our egos and how do you have one?

A good one-off can accomplish a number of tasks at once. It can remind us that we are interesting and attractive people. It can remind us that we are capable of engaging the attention of another for a few hours and of being engaged by another. It can make a drab week more exciting. The sun shines a bit brighter the next day. Food tastes better. And, most importantly, it can show us that we don’t need the promise of an extended relationship to trust another person in the moment. We can let go of our apprehensions and relax in someone’s arms, even if we may never see them again. This helps us chill out when we do finally meet people we want to see more regularly and seriously.

There is no one way to set up a perfect one-off, but here are some ideas: Choose a man you like well enough, but not someone you know well or someone from whom you have any expectations of long term romance. It helps to make sure this person is not someone you normally see in your regular life. Realize that you will likely never see this man again and be OK with that realization. Once you are on the date, be open. Make sure the person knows you are not expecting a relationship (Viv: I had a natural out because my move was immanent. It may be slightly more difficult to say “I don’t want a relationship”, but I am sure there are charming ways to make this clear). Make sure to share enough about yourself to make the person feel comfortable and relaxed. Don’t hold back, but don’t promise more than you are willing to give either. Be romantic yourself or let the other person be romantic with you. Do the goofy thing that seems silly but is actually fun. Go for a walk, sit next to one another in a booth instead of across from one another. Sing. Have dessert. And when the time comes, kiss with feeling and don’t be shy. Look them in the eye. At the end of the experience, thank them for their time and let them know they are appreciated, even for a very brief moment of connection.

Once you are gone, keep further communication to a minimum and remember the experience fondly. And whatever you do, don’t let yourself daydream about this person. Don’t imagine any “future” with them. It’s also not a fantastic idea to try to repeat the perfect one-off date. It’s a one-off for a reason. Just enjoy it for what it is.

Viv: Since this date with Steve I am currently having a case of the “do as I say, don’t do as I do’s”. It was a perfect one-off. I was grinning from ear to ear and I did not text Steve afterward…..until he texted me a few days later to ask how my packing was coming along. This threw me off. It was a one-off! Why is he texting me? And why is he texting me with something so benign? I assumed he might be putting the feelers out to see me again, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to ruin the glow from the last date. So I replied with something equally innocent and then started sporgulating. He didn’t reply for two days, and when he did it was only a bland description of his weekend. But by then I had been thinking about seeing him again, and I decided it wouldn’t be a horrible thing to try and fit him around Doug in my last few days in town. I had some windows open in my schedule, and so I texted him to see if he might have a window that could overlap with one of mine….. And now we are possibly going to meet up tomorrow.

I may have ruined this one-off for myself by asking for more. In the future, I will resist the urge to extend a perfect one-off with a man I don’t want to seriously date and just let it go without suggesting a future meet-up. My ego shouldn’t need more attention after one sweet date. But for now, I am sporgulating again, and really looking forward to another round.

Sloan: Jack is back. About a week ago, we got back in touch (oh, the joys of the internet era) and have been texting back and forth a little. He remembers every detail of that night we spent together and maintains that it was one of his best sexual experiences as well. Now that we’re both single again, we’re tempted to get together and do it again (and again and maybe again). But I’m worried that if I go out with him, I’ll get too attached. I’m not in the same situation I was three years ago and he’s still smoking hot and very funny and really smart and creative. I’m also not sure I want to ruin my memory of our perfect one-off date. There’s a little bit of pressure there now, built up over years of remembering that night – and each other – fondly. Then again, I’m not sure I can resist the temptation to go out with him again. If I do, I’ll be sure to post about it though (Viv: oh yes you will.  And what gives about not being into morning sex? That is the only reason to sleep over!).