New Dates

Filling in the Gaps: How We Use Men to Compensate for the Holes in Our Lives

Posted on by egoandorgasm

Viv: I have been in my new city for nearly two weeks now.  I know very little about the place, but my apartment is sunny and spacious, and my neighborhood is friendly and full of interesting nooks and crannies.  On top of this, my new job is proving to be challenging and interesting while still providing me with time to explore my new world.  I am happy.  And yet, I am restless occasionally.  I miss my friends back in my old city across the country.  I miss my routines.  I have gaping holes in the fabric of my daily life, and I can feel them.

So, in order to create a sense of normalcy, I have begun to date again.  In fact, I had two dates during my first week in town and two in my second.  Not only have I been dating, I have also started sleeping with a man, let’s call him Al, and I have to admit it has been terribly fun.  Al is not really my type.  He works with his hands half the time, and he has a regional accent from living near his hometown his entire life.  But he has his own business and lives in a beautiful cottage on a beautiful island, and he has ambitions that match or even exceed the scope of the ambitions of anyone I have ever respected.  I think he has a good chance of achieving his goals.

However, Al is not my future.  I know this clearly.  And the two other men I have been out with, let’s call them Roger and Darrel, are not people I can see myself with, long term, either.  They are men from Tinder, and they are available, as am I, for friendly relations.  I am spending time with them, when, arguably, I should be focusing on so many other things.  One could make the case that I should be focusing on myself.  And, while I am doing many things that lay the groundwork for a satisfying life in this new cosmos, I am still, consciously, going out of my way to spend time with strange men.

Sloan: Since my big, bad breakup back in March, I’ve been living alone for the first time in my life. And I felt all those holes that Viv is talking about, even though I didn’t move or get a new job. Nothing changed and yet everything changed. I, too, turned to Tinder and OKC to fill the gaps in my life. My summer was a whirlwind of insanity (more on that in a future post) and it distracted me from my feelings of intense loneliness and anxiety. But now the dating has died down and I’m in a lull and I’m asking myself if I want to start back up or just accept that my new life can feel pretty lonesome sometimes.

Analysis:

Why do we engage in this behavior when we are wise enough to know that it won’t come to anything? 

Sometimes we undergo changes that destabilize our settled existence.  Divorce, moving, breakups, new jobs (or all of the above)- these experiences and so many more can leave us with holes.  And we can fill these holes with many things- extreme sociality, extreme introversion, workaholism, hobbies, alcohol…..  Knowing that we could be doing anything within the time created by these holes means that we have the power to choose what we want to use the time for.

Viv: I have chosen to use these holes for more practice dating for the time when I want to settle down with someone again, and I recognize that dating is as good a way as any to get out and learn about my new area.  Would I have seen the gorgeous cove below Al’s home if I hadn’t ventured there to spend the night with him? No.  Would I have gone to a downtown cocktail bar alone without Roger to suggest it and take me there? No.  These men give my new city a texture that I couldn’t manufacture by myself, in a place where I don’t yet have friends.

Sloan: Viv is more advanced than I am. I think I want just sex and then end up in these complicated situations. When in all truth, I need to be single for a bit while I sort through my emotional baggage. But I think I’m finally starting to see how to do what Viv has been so adept at – dating without attachment. It’s not easy, kids. It takes practice.

Are we using these men to fill the gaps in our lives? 

As ever with the most complex questions, the answer is yes and no.  Yes, we are being opportunistic with apps like Tinder and OK Cupid.  They bring these men to us, and we allow them to squire us around town for an evening or afternoon.  But as with our normal dating, we hope that our connections with these people will be real, even if they aren’t deep and even if they don’t lead to commitment.  They get to spend time with us too, and we are very good company!  We go out of our way to make these men feel comfortable and welcome in the moment, and the goal is always mutual fun.  And if the date intimates that they have expectations that differ from ours, then we let them know, directly or indirectly, that we are not here for the long haul.  However, friendship is never off the table.  We think this is fair.

Sloan: Most definitely yes. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wholly a bad thing. I do use men to fill the gaps in my social life. But I’m assuming that they don’t mind so much, because they are typically getting something out of the interaction as well. I’m open and honest and I try to protect them as much as possible. My problem is more the separation of sex from “limerance”. I tend to fall for people too fast, too soon. But, in theory, there’s nothing wrong with going out with men just to go out and enjoy yourself. As long as you can keep everything straight from the get-go, which is easier said than done.

Viv: I lean more towards no.  I like to give as good as I get, and I never expect a man to pay for me for anything, though they usually do turn down my offers at first.  However, if I see someone more than once or twice I become more insistent that they let me pay for things. And if I get the sense, as I am getting with Darrel, that they might want a real relationship after meeting me, I scale things down immediately until I get the chance to have the conversation about expectations.  Since we met for a quick drink one evening last week, Darrel has been texting me non-stop and making jokes about our future.  I am wise enough to know this doesn’t necessarily mean much in the scheme of things (men like to be liked as much as women, and they will go well out of their way to get a positive response from you even if they aren’t especially interested), but I get the sense that Darrel is perhaps a tad more naive than most of my Tinder dates thus far.  Like Sloan, I will have to make sure to be careful of his heart, and that might mean telling him I won’t see him anymore.  He’ll thank me later.

Can I keep up this dating pace and accomplish all my professional goals while taking on this new town in my own terms? You better believe it.

Dating While Ethnically Ambiguous

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Viv: Last week I had a date with a man, lets call him Steve, who asked me why I had my hair pulled back in all my online profile pictures (we met via a mobile app that allows you to use up to 6 photos).  We had shared a couple cocktails at this point and he must have been feeling more relaxed and inquisitive.  I thought about it for a moment, and then replied that I thought my natural hair was probably too interesting for that particular dating site (which is invitation only and typically full of white male MBA grads).  I then explained that I was mixed (black and white), and that this often lead white men to puzzle over my ethnicity.  Steve replied that, yes, he had been confused himself, and had settled on the idea that I might be Portuguese (where there are in fact a great many people of mixed heritage, but most Americans don’t know that).

This is only the most recent example of men asking me why I look the way I look.  When men ask me this, I know they are really trying to figure out “who I am”, or more crassly, “what my race is.”  To most white men I look exotic.  I have dark curly hair, strong brows, hazel eyes, olive skin leaning towards orange, and freckles.  Sometimes they ask me what my “nationality” is.  To this I reply, “very American.” If they are persistent they pause and regroup and then ask, “Oh yeah, but where are you really from?”  If I am feeling charitable I tell them I am mixed.  And invariably they say some version of, “Oh! I never would have guessed!”

I have been ethnically ambiguous for white people my entire life and I am used to it.  I expect comments and questions and requests to feel my hair (though often times people just do it without asking).  However, when dating, this ambiguity can become tricky.  As a woman who looks exotic rather than white girl next door, I can become hyper sexualized by white men who know instantly that I am not “marriage material” but who are happy to discover what I might be like in bed (though at my age I am much more aware of this and usually able to nip it in the bud).  I am also often asked to explain why I don’t look more black, and it is awkward and sometimes uncomfortable to explain that my father is very white and that my mother is a light skinned black woman who is probably light skinned because of illegitimate white ancestry in her very religious black Southern family.   If I am feeling especially annoyed, I provide an off the cuff lecture on the social fact of race in America.  There are usually no second dates if the man has to hear the lecture.

Analysis: 

Why is ethnic ambiguity an issue?

First of all, being myself isn’t an issue.  I am happy with the way I look and proud of my family heritage and of my parents for sticking together through an era of discrimination.  But it does become an issue when I can feel men trying to put me in a box or pin me down as being one “kind of person” or another based on “where I am from”.   Race (what people are often actually referring to when they say ethnicity) is a social fact in America, race and sex have a long and ugly history, and, unfortunately, the effects of this history are still very much with us.  Making oneself vulnerable via dating can highlight this history and amplify prejudicial assumptions that would otherwise go unspoken.  When a white man tells me he never would have guessed I was black or mixed, I feel unseen, or worse, like a walking impossibility.  There are many of us ambiguous people out there, we are the result of complicated and often unacknowledged historical events (sometimes involving rape, forced migration, slavery, oppression, and segregation if you look back far enough) and the white community’s lack of awareness or imagination only serves to further hide this history.

On the other hand, I do like talking about my family and my background to those who are genuinely curious and who “get” the fact that having this conversation on a first date is more of an ethically ambiguous issue than an ethnic one.

So what happened with Steve? It turns out that Steve was himself “half” Chilean, and he pointed out that many people assume he is not totally white but cannot pin down his own ethnic (or racial or national) origins.  He did not belabor the point that he never would have guessed where I was “from”, and he smartly added that he thought I was very attractive in any case.  Then we went on to talk about a host of other things.  I did not feel any desire to give him a lecture.  We had another drink, he drove me home on the back of his motorcycle, and I smooched him on the street in front of my apartment.  Let the sporgulation begin.

Sporgulation: Waiting for a Guy to Text You

Posted on by egoandorgasm

Sporgulate (verb): to become preoccupied over the fact that the person you texted two days ago, one day ago, several hours ago, ten minutes ago has not yet texted you back.

Sporgulation can begin immediately after sending a text, or it can manifest itself over time as it slowly dawns on you that the textee has had plenty of time to read the text and is making a choice not to text you back in a timely fashion, or worse, to not text you back at all.

Sporgulating can take many forms.  The most common form consists of repeatedly checking the phone to see if the textee has replied.  The best time to sporgulate in this way is when you are supposed to be focused on something else that is far more important.  Other common forms of sporgulation include sending multiple follow up texts to the textee even though they have not replied to the initial text, talking at length to your friends/coworkers/roommates about the fact that the textee has not yet replied to your text, and imagining a variety of hypothetical scenarios that might explain why the textee has not yet replied to your text.

Sporgulation is a waste of time.  We repeat, it is a waste of time.  But we do it anyway, even though we know better.

Viv: I have been dating someone for about a month, lets call him Doug, and it all started with me asking Doug out on a mobile dating site.  I gave him my phone number via the site, and he immediately texted me to find out when we could meet up.  Since that initial prompt response, however, it has been a total sporgulation game.  We meet up and have a good time. We have beers. We make out in public. We have great, healthy sex.  And then one of us leaves in the morning and I wait a couple days.  Silence.  I text something cheerful, like, “That was so fun last Thursday.  Are you free for more fun later this week?”, and then the real sporgulation sets in.  Doug can take hours to respond, sometimes over 24 hours.  I check my phone every 15 minutes.  I am convinced I will never see him again. I begin to chastise myself for even texting him at all. Isn’t it the man’s job to ask me out? But didn’t I set the precedent by asking him out? Who is attached to normative gender roles anyway? Its 2015!  And then he gets back to me and suggests a date and we meet up and repeat the good time and I assume he was just busy…… Until I start to sporgulate all over again a couple days later.

Sloan: I’m juggling 7 guys right now, which basically means I’m texting them or we’ve gone out on at least one date and there is potential for more. All of them text me. Some of them text me a lot, some a little, some almost never, some just enough. When it comes to texting, we’re all like Goldilocks – there’s a perfect amount of texting for each one of us. The problem is that no one but us knows exactly where that sweet spot is located, so we’re that much more likely to sporgulate, get really, really irritated at someone, or, you know, piss off a lot of bears. One of the men I’m currently juggling, let’s call him Mike, is driving me to sporgulate. I like him more than the others; so much more than I’m forcing myself to keep dating everyone else right now just so I don’t obsess over Mike. I met Mike in real life and our first meetup was fantastic. Except that I wasn’t sure whether or not it was a date – it was “coffee”. The second time we met up it became more clear that we were in “more than friends” territory, but I’m still not sure how interested he is. So. Sporgulation. I send a text to Mike and then put down my phone and try not to obsess about when he’ll text me back. Meanwhile, 6 other men are texting me and I don’t spend more than a minute thinking about their messages or my responses.

Analysis:

Sporgulation is clearly more about the sporgulator’s mental state and emotional needs than about the actual conversation taking place via our handheld devices. It has nothing to do – whatsoever – with the person sending (or not sending) the texts in question.

But what drives us to sporgulate?

Is it human to sporgulate? Is sporgulating even a new phenomenon, or has it simply intensified with our new technologies? Certainly, people sat by their landlines hoping for the phone to ring. They also waited impatiently for the postman to deliver a potential letter from a beloved. So what’s new?

The speed and level of connectivity is new. Social scientists and psychologists have been researching whether or not we feel more or less connected in the era of Facebook, Twitter, and texting. The answer is ambiguous. On one hand, we use social media and mobile technology to stay on the grid, to connect with far-flung friends, and make plans. On the other hand, social media and mobile technology can drive us to compare our lives to others’ lives (and come up short), spark #FOMO (fear of missing out), and drive up our anxiety to peak levels.

So sporgulation is, at its root, about our own insecurities and our attempts to connect with people we do not yet know if we can trust.  It is a side effect of our experimentation with attachment via technology.

Viv: I like Doug but I don’t know Doug yet.  I am in the process of moving away and getting a divorce and this means I do not ask Doug searching personal questions.  I don’t reveal much that is deeply personal about myself either.  Doug and I do not have a level of trust built up that can sustain long periods of comfortable silence.  Each time we see each other may be our last time together.  But we are connecting on intimate physical levels that can lead to attachment the more we sleep together (he spooned me last week and it felt like nestling in a bed of kittens), so the situation can reach high levels of emotional confusion.  Unless we break it off or we choose to have a more personal conversation about what we are doing together, the sporgulation is likely to continue.  I am OK with this.  Like Sloan, I am also dating several other people, in part to mediate the attachment I might feel for Doug.  And again, like Sloan, I don’t find myself sporgulating while texting with other men.

Sloan: I can relate to you, Viv. I like Mike a lot – but I don’t really know him. We haven’t had sex yet, though we’re on that track and it’ll probably happen soon. Once that happens, I’ll be in sporgulation central. The only hope for me is to work on my own insecurities and try to remind myself that I’m great whether or not Mike likes me back. I’m going to have to have a conversation with Mike, eventually, about what this is, expectations, etc. But for now, I’m riding this wave. Whenever possible, I’m going out without my phone, i.e. actually spending time by myself without the baby blanket of instant connection with my network of friends. It’s both terrifying and exhilarating. The bonus is that it really seems to lessen sporgulation. Note that I said “lessen” and not “get rid of.”