Sloan: One thing that I’ve had to face since I began dating again 6 months ago is the fact that not everyone I like is going to like me back and not everyone that likes me is someone I’m going to be excited to see again. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you fantasize about the rich and wonderful dating and sex lives that people not coupled up are having. After a few years of coupledom, you forget about all the nonsense and drama and rudeness and flakiness that single people have to deal with on a pretty regular basis. The dating scene can be great and it can be brutal. Often, it’s both concurrently.

This summer, I was dumped three times by guys I liked quite a bit. I also had to tell several men that I wasn’t interested in that I wouldn’t be seeing them again. I won’t even list out all the guys who have ghosted, or all the mutual fade-outs, or all the missed connections that have been sandwiched in between. It’s been a rough go of it and I’ve learned a lot – both about myself and about what I’m really looking for in a relationship.

Analysis:

How do we go about getting out of intimate situations in a graceful way, even when we are hurt or when we hurt someone else?

Sloan: Something that I’ve been thinking a lot about in the wake of all these romances is the art of letting someone go or of letting someone down. They’re not mutually exclusive and often overlap, but I tend to see them as separate entities. I think one involves more regret and hurt and the other more guilt and hesitation.

Letting Go

The art of letting someone go involves walking away from someone you’d rather not have to say goodbye to at all. Either you like this person, or you love this person, or you are in lust with the person. And either they just aren’t feeling you too, or they are toxic, or they are just not bringing the same level of enthusiasm to the table as you are. Whatever it is, you know you need to let them go. Sometimes this is forced upon us when someone else breaks it off. Sometimes we need to walk away first in order to avoid a bigger disaster down the road. Either way, it’s never easy to let someone you like go. It’s even harder to do it gracefully.

1. Remind yourself that you can’t force someone to be into you or to be ready for a relationship.
2. Really spend some time thinking about the problems and red flags here. I’m sure this person is great, but what about the things that indicated this wasn’t the right person for you? What were you ignoring?
3. Keep your dignity. Don’t beg. Don’t try to argue your case. See #1 for why not.
4. Distract yourself. Go out with friends. Go out with other guys. Try to stop thinking about this person. Do not sporgulate.

Letting Down

The art of letting someone down involves walking away from someone that you know you just aren’t feeling. For whatever reason, you’re not into this person. He might be great – and you may have an urge to keep him around “just in case” you fall for him. You probably won’t. If the chemistry isn’t there, it isn’t likely to develop. And it’s unfair to keep someone around in case you want to get serious with them later. No one wants to be someone’s safety pick. You don’t, right?

1. If you’ve gone out with this person less than three times, it’s fine to let them down via text. (Sloan: I like to use some variance of “I’m just not ready to date someone yet, but I had a great time with you.” It’s hard to to argue with and people tend not to take this personally. And yes, I lie when it’s socially responsible.)
2. If you’ve gone out with this person multiple times, or had sex with them on multiple occasions, it’s probably best to call or do this in person. And yes, this means putting on your big girl pants. Ghosting or fading out isn’t really the solution. (Viv: This is really true.  The urge to just disappear is strong, and I have to confess that I have done it more than once in the last few months and had it done to me.  But when I have been strong enough to look someone in the face or explain myself verbally over the phone, it has always gone well, and I have left the situation feeling fairly confident that the end result is mutual respect.)
3. GOLDEN RULE: Put yourself in their shoes. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want done to you. Try to be as nice about this as possible.
4. THE CAMPGROUND RULE: Dan Savage is right. Try to leave the campground the way you found it. Do no damage on your way out. Pick up your baggage when you leave.