Viv: I have been in my new city for nearly two weeks now.  I know very little about the place, but my apartment is sunny and spacious, and my neighborhood is friendly and full of interesting nooks and crannies.  On top of this, my new job is proving to be challenging and interesting while still providing me with time to explore my new world.  I am happy.  And yet, I am restless occasionally.  I miss my friends back in my old city across the country.  I miss my routines.  I have gaping holes in the fabric of my daily life, and I can feel them.

So, in order to create a sense of normalcy, I have begun to date again.  In fact, I had two dates during my first week in town and two in my second.  Not only have I been dating, I have also started sleeping with a man, let’s call him Al, and I have to admit it has been terribly fun.  Al is not really my type.  He works with his hands half the time, and he has a regional accent from living near his hometown his entire life.  But he has his own business and lives in a beautiful cottage on a beautiful island, and he has ambitions that match or even exceed the scope of the ambitions of anyone I have ever respected.  I think he has a good chance of achieving his goals.

However, Al is not my future.  I know this clearly.  And the two other men I have been out with, let’s call them Roger and Darrel, are not people I can see myself with, long term, either.  They are men from Tinder, and they are available, as am I, for friendly relations.  I am spending time with them, when, arguably, I should be focusing on so many other things.  One could make the case that I should be focusing on myself.  And, while I am doing many things that lay the groundwork for a satisfying life in this new cosmos, I am still, consciously, going out of my way to spend time with strange men.

Sloan: Since my big, bad breakup back in March, I’ve been living alone for the first time in my life. And I felt all those holes that Viv is talking about, even though I didn’t move or get a new job. Nothing changed and yet everything changed. I, too, turned to Tinder and OKC to fill the gaps in my life. My summer was a whirlwind of insanity (more on that in a future post) and it distracted me from my feelings of intense loneliness and anxiety. But now the dating has died down and I’m in a lull and I’m asking myself if I want to start back up or just accept that my new life can feel pretty lonesome sometimes.

Analysis:

Why do we engage in this behavior when we are wise enough to know that it won’t come to anything? 

Sometimes we undergo changes that destabilize our settled existence.  Divorce, moving, breakups, new jobs (or all of the above)- these experiences and so many more can leave us with holes.  And we can fill these holes with many things- extreme sociality, extreme introversion, workaholism, hobbies, alcohol…..  Knowing that we could be doing anything within the time created by these holes means that we have the power to choose what we want to use the time for.

Viv: I have chosen to use these holes for more practice dating for the time when I want to settle down with someone again, and I recognize that dating is as good a way as any to get out and learn about my new area.  Would I have seen the gorgeous cove below Al’s home if I hadn’t ventured there to spend the night with him? No.  Would I have gone to a downtown cocktail bar alone without Roger to suggest it and take me there? No.  These men give my new city a texture that I couldn’t manufacture by myself, in a place where I don’t yet have friends.

Sloan: Viv is more advanced than I am. I think I want just sex and then end up in these complicated situations. When in all truth, I need to be single for a bit while I sort through my emotional baggage. But I think I’m finally starting to see how to do what Viv has been so adept at – dating without attachment. It’s not easy, kids. It takes practice.

Are we using these men to fill the gaps in our lives? 

As ever with the most complex questions, the answer is yes and no.  Yes, we are being opportunistic with apps like Tinder and OK Cupid.  They bring these men to us, and we allow them to squire us around town for an evening or afternoon.  But as with our normal dating, we hope that our connections with these people will be real, even if they aren’t deep and even if they don’t lead to commitment.  They get to spend time with us too, and we are very good company!  We go out of our way to make these men feel comfortable and welcome in the moment, and the goal is always mutual fun.  And if the date intimates that they have expectations that differ from ours, then we let them know, directly or indirectly, that we are not here for the long haul.  However, friendship is never off the table.  We think this is fair.

Sloan: Most definitely yes. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wholly a bad thing. I do use men to fill the gaps in my social life. But I’m assuming that they don’t mind so much, because they are typically getting something out of the interaction as well. I’m open and honest and I try to protect them as much as possible. My problem is more the separation of sex from “limerance”. I tend to fall for people too fast, too soon. But, in theory, there’s nothing wrong with going out with men just to go out and enjoy yourself. As long as you can keep everything straight from the get-go, which is easier said than done.

Viv: I lean more towards no.  I like to give as good as I get, and I never expect a man to pay for me for anything, though they usually do turn down my offers at first.  However, if I see someone more than once or twice I become more insistent that they let me pay for things. And if I get the sense, as I am getting with Darrel, that they might want a real relationship after meeting me, I scale things down immediately until I get the chance to have the conversation about expectations.  Since we met for a quick drink one evening last week, Darrel has been texting me non-stop and making jokes about our future.  I am wise enough to know this doesn’t necessarily mean much in the scheme of things (men like to be liked as much as women, and they will go well out of their way to get a positive response from you even if they aren’t especially interested), but I get the sense that Darrel is perhaps a tad more naive than most of my Tinder dates thus far.  Like Sloan, I will have to make sure to be careful of his heart, and that might mean telling him I won’t see him anymore.  He’ll thank me later.

Can I keep up this dating pace and accomplish all my professional goals while taking on this new town in my own terms? You better believe it.